I think I use these blogs in kind of a therapeutic way.  Not many people read them, and it makes me feel better to write out my thoughts. 

The accident changed a lot of things.  It's interesting, I'm so tired of talking and thinking about it, but I can't get around it.  It affects so many things in my life that I have constant reminders.  Every morning when I look in the mirror and put on makeup to cover up my scar, I can't help but remember.  I'm only just now becoming aware of all of the repercussions of it.  Not all of them are bad, just a little difficult to get used to.  This accident made me grow up.  I can't act just stupidly silly anymore.  I've tried, but it just doesn't work.  I mean, I still have a sense of humor, but it's just different--it's less crazy.  I was always pretty serious-minded for my age, and now I'm even more so.  And I think this whole experience made me realize that if I set my mind on something, I am going to achieve it. I told myself that I wasn't going to let this brain injury affect my school work like all the doctors said it might.  I've worked really hard and studied a lot, and so far it hasn't affected it at all.  I've realized that now I can make myself do whatever it takes to achieve something I want, and I don't think I knew that before. 

It's a horrible feeling to constantly second-guess yourself.  Every single time I talk to someone outside of my family and very closest friends, I always worry that I've done or said something "weird," or at least different from how I would have acted before.  I've been so focused on always saying and doing things exactly the way I would have before, I've made myself upset worrying about it.  If anyone says anything is different, it kind of upsets me.  It's just scary to think of your personality or behavior being different and having no control over it.  I love my friends, and I'm really going to miss them, but in some ways I'm ready for college--really ready to be around people who didn't know me "before" and who aren't constantly comparing who I am now to who I was then.

Well, this is long enough for tonight.  Good night all!  I love you dearly.

Currently Listening Run the Earth, Watch the Sky By Chris Rice Come to Jesus see related

Even though I love myspace, there is just something reassuring about xanga.  I don't know what it is, but knowing it's being read mostly by jcs people is nice.  And also, I feel weird talking about some things on myspace because I think people won't understand.  So, moving on:

I've had a good first week and a half back at school.  Things are so different now.  A lot of times I feel pretty removed from my friends and from everyone else, because my life now is so different than the average 18 year olds.  But tonight at church I had a breakthrough:  Even though lots of inconsequenial things have been taken away from me, like my car, my singing voice, and my freedom, I know that God is still there and that's enough.  I just have to remember not to let myself get bogged down thinking about things that I've lost.  I have it so much better than so many, many brain injury victims.  Whenever I think about this, I feel bad for wanting things to still be the way they were before.  I'm okay.  I've tried really hard to be brave up to now, and I guess I can still manage it.

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live

Currently Listening Strange and Beautiful By Aqualung see related

More than conquerors

Hello everyone!  So guess where I am right now?  Jackson, Tennessee!  Me and my mom got to come home this weekend to see Grease.  It was a big surprise--only like 3 people knew.  Being home is amazing.  This makes it really really hard to go back tomorrow.  But at least I got to see my friends and sleep in my own bed for two nights.  And next Friday is my last day!!  We're gonna leave atlanta for jackson saturday morning and we should be here by afternoon or early evening.  Home for good!  I'm so excited.  I never realized how much I love this town until now.  It actually smells like spring here.  It's warm in atlanta too, but it doesn't have the spring smell like Jackson does--that combination of honeysuckle, flowers, and some intangible thing that I can't name.  I told my mom today that for the rest of my life, no matter where I live, I'm always gonna have to come back to Tennessee in the spring.  Anyway, seeing the play today was amazing.  I got to go backstage like 15 minutes before it started and see everybody, and that was really great.  They did an amazing job, and it was fun to get a chance to see it.  I almost never get to see plays because I'm always in them!  I sang along to almost every song.  I was worried that I might get a little upset, but I really didn't.  I was just really excited and happy.  Well, let me refrase that.  I didn't get sad at the time.  I feel a little sad about the play and other things  now.  I don't really know why, it's been a great day.  This is the way it's always been with me.  I'm always fine when I'm around people.  It's just when I'm alone at night that I feel a little depressed.  So what do I feel sad about, you ask?  Well, several things.  Even though I loved seeing the play, I do really wish that I'd been able to be in it.  I've worked so hard for the lead role, and this was the first time I'd ever really gotten it.  And it was 3 1/2 months worth of work for nothing.  But so be it.  Music Man is coming up this summer, and I fully intend to get a good part if I can help it.  Ok, second thing.  My singing voice is gone.  Ok not gone, but definitely not like it was.  I know it will come back eventually and that it's just messed up because I didn't sing for a month, but it still makes me sad, because that was one of the things I was the most proud of.  And what if it doesn't come back by April 25 (Music Man audition)?  I'm sorry to complain, and I'm not saying all this to make everyone feel sorry for me.  I just need to talk to someone, and none of my friends can talk right now.  Also, I'm a little tired of being "the girl who got in the wreck."  All the attention and cards and prayers have been super nice, but I would much rather be known for something else.  And I'm worried about certain things.  I'm worried about finishing all the work I missed, because the teachers could only send the work I'd missed up to that point.  When I get back on the 18, I'm still gonna have like two weeks worth of makeup work.  And a lot of what's left is algebra, which no one at rehab can help me with.  Mr. Taylor very nicely agreed to help me over spring break, but I'm still scared.  It's a very big priority to me to graduate with my honors diploma and 4.0, but now the honors diploma is out of the question.  And I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to have a normal life after this.  I'm gonna go back to school right away probably after spring break, but I'm going to leave for two hours in the middle where I now don't have classes.  So that means no senior lunch with my friends.  And my parents are going to have to drive me everywhere, and I can't ride with friends either.  So I hope it won't be really annoying to my friends that our normal saturday night routine can't be the same anymore.  Ok, last thing (hopefully):  I feel sad for the people I've met down in rehab.  It's unbelievable.  Besides just Julie (my old roommate), even in Pathways, which is for people who have made much more progress, it's still incredibly sad.  For example, there's a guy named Mark who was accidentally shot in the head and can't talk yet.  But even though he can't talk, you can tell he's still a really nice guy.  And Michelle, who's also 18, who survived hurricane katrina and a brain injury all in the same year.  The hurricane completely destroyed her hometown.  And one day I complimented her on the different colored bandanas she always wears, and I found out she wears them because she had to have brain surgery and all her hair on the top of her head is gone.  As a girl, I know how bad that must feel.  I think I also feel sad that we live in a world where such things can happen.  But I know God is very, very good and that he loves us very much.  I decided that for Lent, instead of giving up something I was going to do something:  I'm going to pray for all the people I met at Shepherd every day.  Ok, so I think I'm almost done.  One little interesting (to me) note:  In atlanta, every morning when I woke up my collar bone would ache horribly, even though I don't sleep on it.  But this morning it didn't hurt at all.  I told my mom about this, and she thinks that the mattress is probably different or something.  But I think it's just because it's my bed.  Good night all and I love you very much!

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:35, 37

Currently Listening I Can Only Imagine: Ultimate Power Anthems of the Christian Faith By Various Artists see related

the third of the "after the accident" blogs

Ok, so I am gonna write another one.  Hopefully this won't be as long.  But I'm going to go eat lunch soon, and after that I have speech and occupational therapy, but then I'll be back. Well I really only have two interesting things to report.  One, I took a bunch of tests this morning.  Once again, not like the ACT, but they said more like TCAP or other standarized tests.  I didn't have to do anything by myself, though, except a sheet to check and see if I'm depressed.  (Which, other than feeling slightly guilty, I'm not).  Some of the stuff was really hard though.  Like hard memory games, and making geometric shapes with blocks by looking at cards.  I asked the therapist lady if normal people w/out Brain Injuries took these tests to have something to compare them too, and she said she didn't think so.  Ok, I'm back now.  So anyway, I don't know how they know what is "normal" and what isn't.  Apparently some things are supposed to be hard even for "normal" people to do.  I really want to know how I did.  Dr. Small (that's the neurophyscologist--who Marie, by the way, looks like Miss Albright, or I guess Mrs. Racchus) is going to come and "counsel" with me.  When I saw neurophysch on my schedule, that's really what I thought it was, but it turned out to be just tests.  Like I said, I'm not depressed or anything, but apparently it's routine for her to come around anyway.  Ok, the other semi-interesting thing is that my tech got mad at me like 2 nights ago.  Well, she said she wasn't mad, but I think honestly she was, or at least annoyed.  I've told a lot of people here about this, but I'm not going to say her name, so hopefully she won't get in trouble.  I'll tell you the whole long story.  Julie's (my roommate) mom asked me to push my little button nurse-calling thing if she cries out during the night, because she can't.  Which I found out later, actually isn't my job but still.  I wanted to the night before, but I didn't want to seem nosy or meddle.  But she made it sound like she was going to be in pain or something.  But actually, she just cries or whimpers a little because she misses her mom. Anyway, besides just that, me and my mom hadn't brushed my teeth, which we usually do.  I could tell just b/c your teeth feel different, and anyway (hopefully this doesn't gross anyone out) we had had spaghetti that night and I could still taste the garlic bread in my mouth (I don't have any gum here unfortunately, which if you know me you know I'm an Orbit addict)  So I didn't remember me and my mom brushing them, but I knew for a fact we hadn't b/c of that.  So anyway, it took my tech over 1/2 an hour to get here, which I know it usually takes a long time, but not quite that long.  That was definitely the longest ever.  Too long, someone said.  You know, some things really are emergencies.  If, like me, you don't have a diaper and you actually get up and go to the bathroom, what if you had to go so bad for so long that you wet yourself?  Or what if you're feeling sick and you have to throw up?  Or what if you're in unbearable pain?  Which I didn't know for a fact that Julie wasn't.  But anyway, she kind of got mad at me.  She said she wasn't, but I could tell she really was.  She said she had been down at the other end of the hall helping other patients and I called her away.  She also treated Julie's crying like it wasn't an emergency.  And she told me that she had seen my mom brush my teeth and I just forgot.  But I think that was the night before.  Because I asked my mom later and she said she definitely hadn't.  Now we always do in case that happens again.  My nurse Vivienne (who coincidentally is from Memphis) says that she always thinks this woman is mean but actually she's really nice.  And I said, she may be nice but I don't think she's sweet like you and most of the people here. It more just kind of surprised me. And also I said I knew she would understand, being from Memphis.  But to be fair, when Julie cried really loud, two people did come, and one was the one who had kind of gotten mad at me.  I mean, I think she was walking away, but her and another person heard.  And it is true that when Vivienne came to give me my night medicine I told her about it, and she had gone to the get the key to"unlock me" (we're belted in the beds--and all the time someone isn't with us--to remind us not to get up by ourselves), and I was hoping she could just get the key from this person and unlock me herself.  But she actually came back herself, and I guess Vivienne had told her that I thought she was mad, and she said something like "No, I promise I wasn't mad," even though I really think she was, and I also asked her if she offended at all, and she said something like "We don't get offended here.  Only animals get offended, not people."  I told my mom this whole story, and she said something like "Well isn't she special.  And actually that's not even really correct, b/c animals don't get offended."  Ok, so that's the end of my story.  It just kind of hurt my feelings and made me feel bad.  If you know me at all, you know both that I can't handle criticism very well and if I think that I've made someone mad or hurt their feelings (especially unintentionally) it really bothers me.  But in other news, I'm walking today.  I'm allowed to put my left leg down now.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels weak.  They say it is supposed to hurt eventually though.  I think that's almost all I have to say.  A priest visited me yesterday and gave me communion.  Even though they don't have Mass here (I just thought they did), they do have Rosary.  I didn't pray that enough before either--when I first got my Rosary I did, but after a while I thought it was long and kind of boring and stopped.  The priest told me to pray that (and in general) more too.  And also the priest (at least, that's what I think he is, he's Episcopal actually) who's the Chaplain here came and visited me.  I didn't talk to him for very long though, b/c he had to get ready for his non-denominational service (he leads it), which I ended up not going to.  And I told him that I might not, so hopefully he wasn't mad.  I just wasn't sure what it would be.  If you've ever been Catholic and anything else, or just gone to another denomination's church, you'll know it's really different.  Apparently he does do a good job though.  Ok, now comes the long speil (once again, sp?) about safety.  I already told y'all about driving.  But just, be more safe in general.  If you wanna know in particular, ask Tiffany, b/c I spelled out all the ways she could possibly get hurt, even down to crossing the street and getting run over to talking to strangers to sharp objects like knives.  But anyway, what I have to say today might potentially make some people mad, but I really hope it doesn't.  Those of you who I've talked to specifically about this, really please don't for my sake.  Ok, but here it is:  I know a lot of people my age (even sometimes younger) drink in Jackson, and if you do, that's your choice.  I promise I'm not judging you.  But if you do choose to do that, please don't ever drive.  Because you can (probably will) kill yourself doing that, and potentially other people to.  I don't know if they press charges against you for that, but I think they do.  So you don't want to end up in prison.  Also (this is more of a factor for girls, but it has bearing on guys too) so you don't do anything stupid with a member of the opposite sex who is also drunk.  And (sorry to be so open and honest, but I feel like I have to be) I'm not just talking about sex, but ANYTHINGv you would regret later.  If you have managed to preserve your virginity, more power to you.  Girls especially probably want to keep it until marriage.  And also, besides just sex, you don't want to even kiss or go "to far" with a guy or girl who you may not necessarily even like.  And also guys, you can be prosecuted for rape for that even if you were drunk--I just read an article about that in people.  Also, it really destroys girls for a long time (and guys too I guess, but that doesn't happen as much).  Like, they might not be able to have a healthy marriage b/c of it.  Once again, sorry to be so open and honest, it's just, I really care about y'all (even if I don't really know you) and it's just something I know happens a lot--even with kids who go to my school sometimes.  JCS students, know that you could also get kicked out of school for it.  Ok, now I really am done. I think I will start having my cell phone on Friday, so y'all can call/text me then.  Sorry if it's long distance, hopefully it won't be too expensive if you do call.  Ok I love you all!  Stay safe and make good decisions!

-Holly

Currently Reading Gone with the Wind By Margaret Mitchell see related

I'm back pt. 2

ok, I started to write this and then navigated away and lost it.  So I guess I'll just write it again.  Once again, sorry for any typos.  This computer's hard to type on.  And sorry if I say something I've already said, but I guess it's impossible to navigate away from this page and check if I've already said it, but typing's harder now.  I dunno if it's just typing in general or just because I'm not used to this laptop.  I apparently have some memory problems now--not a lot but I forget who I've told what to and ask "Have I already told you this?" a lot.  I think mostly you just see a lot of different people and tell your story a lot of times.  Ok now I'm back to where I was I think.  Everyone who's praying for me, would you please also pray for my roommate Julie?  Her mom asked me to ask you.  I know my Dad said on carepages J-- but her mom said it was ok to use her name.  She's pretty badly hurt, like she can't speak or feed herself or anything.  She's 16 now, but she was in a wreck too, when she was only 15.  She had her wreck in May--so it's been really been a while.  I was kind of hoping I'd be able to talk to her b/c she's so near my age, but like I said, she doesn't talk yet.  Her mom's really nice though.  I met her.  Anyway, so about being 15 then, she wasn't even driving--I guess she could have been driving with a permit, but she wasn't.  In Georgia you apparently can't drive by yourself at 16 (I think Joy said something about that).  Joy, I met a guy named John Gatz who's a volunteer here who said that he got an e-mail from your dad.  He's churche of christ too but he said he doesn't think he knows your dad.  He's very nice.  He's a retired doctor--some people here who volunteer used to be patients, but he wasn't.  St. Mary's people, he really looks like Deacon LaFont, and I told him that.  Apparently I'm possibly related to Deacon LaFont, and I guess Janie LaFont too.  My mom told me that.  So that's cool.  But I was talking about Julie.  So everyone make sure to pray for her, because she really needs it.  Pray for Julie Ray too, because I heard her baby's due soon.  I was wondering if our time in the hospital would overlap at all (not that I would see her).  Ok, anyway, pray for everyone down here, but I know some names.  There's a guy named Dane who's really young who's pretty bad too, and a guy named Josh, whose 21, and today I met a guy named Ethan--I met his little brother and sister too.  At least they didn't mind me talking too much!  They were cute little kids.  Ethan's only 15 also, even though he looks more like my age.  Apparently there's lots of young people down here--a  lot of young guys especially.  And I also met a guy named Mr. Willy, whose an older black man.  He seems nice, but apparently he really tells you what he thinks.  They said "You always know where you stand with Mr. Willy."   I ate breakfast with him this morning, and he said "Do I really have to hear your smacking?"  I wasn't doing it on purpose, but still.  I said I was sorry.  One thing about this, I think it will make me more of a person of prayer, which I was anyway, but I was lazy about it.  Because I think maybe that's part of the reason I got better--because so many people from different churches and places were praying for me.  Anyway, back to smacking.  Someone hates smacking, is that Carter?   So hopefully I don't do that now.  About the young guys thing,  I said maybe I'll get a boyfriend, but not really.  For some reason I think of therapy as for rich people, probably because or movie stars and drug and alcohol rehab, and I thought maybe I'll meet some guy and he'll get better, and maybe he'll then give me money. And I wanted to meet the Bachelor, but I don't know why he would be down here.  If for some reason I had to go to Vandebilt, then I could meet him.  But it would be bad if you had to do anything embarrassing in front of him, like go to the bathroom or be naked.  But I'm sure they see that kind of stuff all the time.  Everyone who has donated money, I really appreciate it.  I guess I'll thank everyone now.  Everyone who has called or sent cards or come by and visited or given me anything, I really appreciate it.  More than I can say.  Especially if you don't know me all that well.  It really means a lot.  I'm never gonna be able to tell you how thankful I feel, just know I am really thankful.  Also, if I ever offened anyone by anything I did unknowingly, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.  I promise it wasn't intentional.  And I'm sorry if you ever wanted to see me and they wouldn't let you in.  But they thought for some reason that the more people they let see me, the longer it would take for me to get better.  I think that's dumb though because I think my friends have actually helped me get better.  I know I said this already, but I really miss y'all.  Maybe that's why I talk to everyone so much--because I was used to talking to y'all so much and now I can't, so I have to talk to complete strangers to make up for it.  But I can tell that's getting better too.  A couple of times I've thought "Maybe I shouldn't say this right now" and I haven't.  Supposedly, inhibitions are also loosened after this kind of thing, so hopefully I haven't asked anything too personal either.  My mom always said I had a curious mind anyway, and besides, the hospital-kind of environment was always interesting to me.  Like why everybody's there and stuff--I volunteered there the summer after my freshman year, and I really liked it.  So everyone who I think I might possibly have offended I've apologized to.  They all said not to mention it.  We'll see if I talk more at school too, or if around people my own age it's better.  Because that's mainly who I was shy around before.  They said I'm not allowed to go back to school right away.  Hopefully it won't be too long, because I really wanna be able to graduate.  Everyone who was in Spanish or Yearbook with me, apparently I'm gonna drop those classes--unfortunately, even though I don't really like them that much, but I especially wanna keep on learning Spanish.  I'm sad I missed the Justo Lamas concert.  Darn.  Oh well.  This is gonna sound stuck up, but I really don't mean it that way:  I also worry about not being as good at school as I was before, so I guess during those periods I'll go to Mrs. Bradford's office and work on making stuff up.  I dunno.  Supposedly accident like this don't mess up intelligence, but stuff like memory and concentration.  And supposedly my concentration's a little messed up too--maybe that's why I talk so much.  I'm just worried.  Not to brag yet again, but I mean I had a really good GPA before and class rank, but they said they'll give me extra help if I need it, but that's kind of embarassing.  I'm especially worried about Algebra, because Elizabeth said the new stuff was really hard.  And I'm not good at math anyway.  Here they had me do some math stuff, like simple math problems, and I had to count on my fingers.  And Dr. Bilskey had me do a thing where you keep on subtracting by by 7, and that was hard for   But everyone will know that it's not my fault.  Miss Snell brought by some of the books to read, but I haven't started reading any of them yet.  But I'm sure I should soon.  Mostly I've been reading magazines.  Ok, I'm back now.  I had to go to speech therapy group.  It was fun.  We did Mad Libs and played Outburst Junior.  I think I said this before, that's the kind of therapy I was scared of, because in Jackson Dianne Hightower (incidentally, who looks like Dominique's mom--Brian thought so too)  But what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, math.  So I'm kind of worried about school.  And college.  Because they said they only give you a certain amount of help in college, and if I go to Vanderbilt like I want to, I know it'll be really really hard.  This is a different subject, but I kind of feel guilty that I'm ok and so many people aren't.  This has been a very hard year, for JCS especially.  I hate to bring this up, but I mostly just think about John.  I mean, I know he made the choice to go that fast but still.   From everything I heard (I didn't know him personally--even though I probably would have b/c of the play and chorus, too--that's actually one of my regrets, that I didn't get the chance to get to know him.  But he apparently was a little shy (at least I was before, I'm not sure about now!) Ok, anyway, from what I heard before, I think that he was a better person than I'll ever be (you might disagree, but I know I'm just kind of averagely good--I definitely have my faults, which I guess he did too, but I think he had less than everyone else)  Whitney Carter, if you read this on xanga, I want you to know that I consider you above-average good, too.  Hopefully that makes you happy, b/c it is definitely the truth, and I think a lot of other people think so too.  Ok, but anyway, about John--God could have intervened on his behalf.  I was asking somebody about this, I think it was my mom or dad, and they said sometimes if people are gonna be paralyzed or in pain all their lives, it would be better to die and be in heaven and be in a better place.  I just don't know.  Sorry if it brings up really painful memories me talking about this.  I think about Sarah Beth Whitehead too.  I had to ask somebody what meningitis even was, and how you get it (apparently it's spread kind of like mono-through saliva).  There's pictures of former patients here, and one guy kind of looks like John.  His parents apparently came and visited me, and even gave money!  That really impresses me.   I know a lot of people did, and once again thank you, but I just thought it would be too painful and would bring back memories.  My mom said he was really nice and normal though--he didn't even mention John at all, which would have been ok, but he wasn't at all like, I don't know why Holly's gonna be ok (not even any serious effects) and John's dead.  Once again I hate to even bring that up and I'm sorry if it brings back painful memories for anyone.  So many bad things have happened this year.  Especially at JCS.  I already typed this but I don't think I saved it--I'm copying-and pasting- as we speak.  I've told a lot of other people about him, and about all the other bad things that happened at JCS and in our town in general this year.  But I just want everyone who knew him or was good friends with him to know, I feel a lot closer to him now.  Maybe it's being here and see people in pain and unable to communicate ( like my roommate and a lot of others).  Or maybe it was just my accident in general. And I told you (or maybe that's later, I'm not sure--this is so long it's hard to find stuff) about that picture that I personally think looks like him.  But anyway, everyone told me not to feel guilty.  I just wish I knew why everyone's prayers aren't answered.  That's just something I'll have to trust God about.  Everyone here has told me not to feel guilty, that it's not my fault, but still.  I can't help it.  Joy, I told everyone here about y'all and asked if they knew you.  No one said they did.  I also told everyone about "The Curse of the Weimers." If there really is such a thing I guess it is alive and well.   I said I didn't believe in it but you did.  I hope that doesn't make you feel bad.  See, there I go with appropriate again.  But you definitely aren't the reason I had my accident--it wasn't your fault that the weather was bad, and it also wasn't your fault that I took a chance and went when I wasn't sure if I had enough time.  Ok, now I promise I'm done talking about sad things, and I'm sorry if me talking about it or my accident in general brought back bad memories for people.  St. Mary's people, you know how hard it it to get out of there.  Fr. Mickey (or maybe it was Deacon Lafont, I don't remember-see, memory again) said that they've asked the city to put a light there forever, so maybe this will reopen the case.  My mom said I'm not gonna get my car back, which is ok with me (b/c if I go to Vanderbilt I can't have a car anyway), but I'm kind of worried about losing my independence, but she said she'll drive me wherever I need to go, even if it's just like I feel like going shopping.  And I'l probably rely on friends to drive me a lot of places.  Most of my friends are good drivers.  Jessica, this is to you, I know you're pretty safe, but please don't drive too fast anymore.  I know that's a hard habit to break.  It's just, it would kill me if anything happened to you.  Everyone, be very safe (especially in bad weather), and don't pull out in front of someone if you don't know you can make it.  I was thinking, "people probably really think I'm an awful driver now."  I wasn't horrible, but I was kind of careless.  We have to take like a driving-test type thing, which I might not be able to pass anyway (I didn't pass the first time, and I barely passed the second time).  I was thinking, like Blake (who I got in a wreck with) probably thinks I'm awful.  Part of the thing is, my car before was a piece of crap.  Like I would barely tap something and it would dent up.  It looked nice, but it had a dent in it from my little bank experience, so when I can get a car, no more sunfires for me!  Anyway, so friends, I 'm sorry if I get annoying asking you to drive me places (Jessica always did anyway), but just know I can't help it.  My mom said she's doing that because she's heard about a lot of people who got in one car wreck and their brain was messed up a little but they were ok, and then they got in another one and they were really messed up or dead.  My mom also said my brother can't drive right away, so David, I'm sorry.   You're old for your grade anyway.  But it obviously can happen even when you're not driving, like my roommate Julie.  That's even more sad to me because at least I had control over it--kind of.  St. Mary's people, apparently they have Mass here, which is cool, because I really want to go.  I knew they had a non-denominational service, which would be ok if you were Protestant, but we do things a lot different.  And you're supposed to go if you possibly can, which if I wasn't able to wouldn't be my fault, but still.  I want to.  I think it's sad I got in a wreck leaving St.  Mary's but at least I had just been to church (and like I said confession!) so if anything had happened to me I think I would have gone to heaven, and it probably means people there found out faster.  One of the first things I remember was Fr. Mickey visiting me.  He actually very comforting.  And Miss Nelda Webb, who was staying with me said "Who does he look like?"  And my mom always said he looked and talked like Alan Alda, this actor.  I don't even know who that is.  That's a generational thing.  Once again, sorry this is so long (it's even longer than before) so just stop reading if you want.  Hopefully it's interesting though. I just miss my friends so much and this is good way to keep in touch. I know my comments weren't working for awhile, and I had trouble logging on today, but I think they're back now.  Apparently I go to Pathways (which is the outpatient program) where I have classes during they day but live in an apartment with my mom.  My stuff apparently got ruined in the accident.  I really miss my North Face fleece, because it's always cold here.  But Drew (one of my dad's students who works there) ordered it for me, and we don't even have to pay for it! My parents think y'all will get along well. Question:  I knew Carter was gonna get a job there, does he work there yet?  And also for Carter: your mom's cookies were so good ( as I remembered) I ate three one day b/c the first day I got here it was too late for lunch and too early for supper. So I was really hungry.  And my mom got a hot dog from a gas station and I had half of that, which after hospital food was awesome.  I was worried about gaining weight in Jackson (because of the protein shakes and ice cream)  but I actually lost like 8 1/2 pounds!  I wanted to lose some weight anyway, so that's a good thing.  I wanted to lose like 5 pounds anyway (mainly for Miss JCS and the play, which I guessed I missed--Miss JCS I mean), and I'm gonna gain some back, but maybe I'll gain back just 5 and not 10.  That would be perfect.  Ok, I'm gonna ask y'all some questions now anyone who knows can answer, like about my favorite tv shows and stuff.  Ok, what did Jihan have to tell Travis on the Bachelor?  She said "It happened when I was 25."  My guess is she got raped or she has a kid or something.  Because she was on there and now she's not.  I liked her.  I know some people didn't, but she always seemed nice to me.  And has anything else dramatic happened on there? I heard from Tiffany and Cassie that Sarah from Jackson and Travis made out-- I was waiting for them to develop some chemistry.  Also, any predictions for the finale?  I really hope he picks her.  And also, what happened on the OC?  Apparently Johnny died!  What happened?  I watched it on the Thursday before I woke up but I don't remember it.  I'm guessing he killed himself?  I said something when Tiffany was there about nothing exciting happening on the OC recently, and she said "Yeah there was, Johnny died!"  And has anything else exciting happened?  Jessica, thank you for taping it for me.  I can't wait to get caught up.  And hopefully you taped last night (or someone did) for me, b/c they only have a local Fox channel here.  I was very disppointed.  Ok, question for all of JCS, did I win a superlative?  My mom (she wasn't there but my dad and grandparents were) said she didn't think I won one, and I didn't expect too, but I was just wondering.  Also, who all won what?  I heard Tobey and Lindsay won Mr. and Miss JCS.  Congratulations guys. You both definitely deserve it.  Here it's like school: we have classes from about 8 to 3 (with breaks).   Ok, another question.  Does anyone know what happened to Chesley Jaco's myspace? We have a long break in the afternoon--about like 2 hours ( I was really tired at first, but today was much better).  They said being really tired is common after a head injury too and bad headaches--which I got before sometimes but so far I haven't, maybe that comes later.  Maybe that's better now lol.  I'm nervous about still being able to sing too--I don't know why I wouldn't but still.  Ok, I think I'm almost done.  Therapy is pretty fun.  Physical therapy hurts some.  I get to take a shower everyday now.  According to what I said in Jackson, being in the hospital is all about invasion of privacy.  It's embarassing, but I guess they see body parts and stuff all the time.  And at least now I can like wash my self.  I want to thank the JCS family in particular for being so sweet and generous (with the whole foundation thing--and just caring even if you weren't especially good friends with me).  And also, church people, too (Northbrook and St Mary's, and also the churches my dad has preached at) for being so sweet and visiting a lot and stuff, it means more than you know.  Especially old youth group people, I don't even to Northbrook anymore (my family does), just that you would remember me and care means a lot.  And thank you Tiffany, Joe, Cassie, Francis, Brian, Carter, Josh, Jessica, and everyone who stayed with me.  And thank you everyone who visited me in general, it's just those people were there almost every day.  I really miss y'all, especially.  Some of the first things I remember were I remember Miss Margaret and Stephanie bringing me the blanket, and I remember Miss Diann visiting, and Mrs. Britt visiting with Nathan (he accidentally grabbed a blanket while she was holding him, but she brought it back) and the Carters and my grandmother, and the Northbrook PLT, and groupus visiting and  Madison, and Joy and Elizabeth.  I said I was kind of stomach sick but it was just from my "stimulants" apparently I'm not actually sick.  I'm off it now though, and I feel a lot better.  Ok, I have to go eat dinner.  By internet world!